DAKOTA VS. ABIGAIL PART I

14-year-old actress under doctor’s care, recovering well at home

BRENTWOOD, CALIF. – JUNE 30, 2008 – A simple movie-store appearance turned traumatic for Dakota Fanning on Monday after a girl mistook her for 12-year-old actress Abigail Breslin. Dakota was signing autographs for fans at the Blockbuster on Colorado Boulevard in Los Angeles, when a young girl came up to the table with a copy of the Abigail movie Little Miss Sunshine for Dakota to sign.

“It was so horrible, I can barely even talk about it now,” Dakota said Monday evening from bed. “She said, ‘Oh, Abigail, I love your movies so much! Will you sign my movie box?’ She said, ‘Just sign it, To Megan, my biggest fan, love Abigail Breslin.’

Dakota took a moment to sip some peppermint chamomile tea and check her pulse rate on the monitor beside her bed.

“Naturally I felt like she had heaped burning coals on my forehead and slaughtered my first-born,” Dakota went on. “I said, ‘I am NOT that girl!’ and got up and left the store.”

On the way to the car belonging to her agent, Nan Slater, Dakota collapsed. Slater rushed her to the emergency room at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where doctors attended to the actress for 40 minutes. By then Dakota’s mother, Joy, and sister, Elle, had arrived, and after verifying that Dakota wasn’t in imminent medical danger, Joy wheeled her out to the Suburban and drove her home.

“I couldn’t even talk right after we left the hospital,” Dakota said. She paused to take one Xanax and half a Librium, downing them with pure water from a 10,000-foot well in Geneva, Switzerland. “I still don’t know if I’ll recover completely, but everybody’s really supporting me, and my mom and dad are coming in every few minutes to encourage me.”

As soon as she said that, Joy and Steve popped into the bedroom.

Everybody works hard to cheer Dakota up

“Hey, pumpkin,” Steve said. “War of the Worlds just passed six hundred million in worldwide sales!”

“What’s the U.S. gross?” Dakota said.

“Almost two forty,” Steve said.

“Okay. Mom?”

“Nan has six hundred and twenty letters from fans wanting to know how you do your hair,” Joy said.

“Did any of them ask about the Ralph Lauren blouse I wore to the First Star event?” Dakota said.

“Nan didn’t mention that.”

“Well, could you please call her back and find out? If she’s going to be my agent, tell her I need to know these things, especially right now when I’m barely hanging by a thread. I need some encouragement.”

“Will do,” Joy said.

Ten-year-old Elle pushed between her parents into the room. “Hey, Dakota, guess what?”

Anticipating the worst, Dakota said, “Uh . . . you set fire to your room?”

Elle giggled but didn’t say anything.

Joy’s eyes flew open. “You didn’t set fire to your room, did you, honey?”

“No, I was just trying to remember the joke I wanted to tell Dakota.”

“Yes, try to remember,” Dakota said. “I need something to cheer me up.”

“Okay,” Elle said. “What’s five feet tall, has big fat legs, ugly hair, doesn’t know how to dress and everybody thinks is retarded?”

“Abigail Breslin,” Dakota said flatly.

“Oh – you heard it before!”

“No, but it’s so true, who else could it be? Thanks, Elle. That cheered me up a little.”

The doorbell downstairs rang, and the Fanning’s German shepherd, Jock, began barking uncontrollably in the foyer. Steve and Joy went to answer the door, and Elle skipped over and sat on the side of Dakota’s bed.

“Are you feeling better?” Elle said.

“No. I feel like I’ve been polluted, like iron has entered my soul, like I’ve sustained a wound that I’ll never recover from. Do you know if the photographer called about my glossies?”

“Yeah, he said they’re ready.”

“Well, thank God something went right today.” Dakota picked up a brush and tried to fix her hair. “Tell me the truth, Elle – do I look anything, even remotely like Abigail Breslin?”

“Only when you throw up,” Elle said.

“You’re a good sister,” Dakota said.

“I know,” Elle said. “You think maybe that’s Axl Rose downstairs?”

“It hasn’t been long enough for word about my condition to reach the media yet. He couldn’t know about it.”

“Yes, he could.”

“How?”

“Cause I kind of called him.”

Dakota sat up in bed, nearly pulling the saline IV drip out of her hand. “You called him?”

“I just said that you were doing a signing, and some girl thought you were Abigail Breslin, and that you were–”

“Oh, my God! Go run downstairs and see if that’s him!”

Elle flew out the door. Dakota ripped the IV needle out of her hand and ran to her closet. She threw off her sleepshirt and dressed in a lavender Dior blouse and a pair of black silk slacks from Giorgio. Then she pulled on a pair of Banana Republic camel’s hair sandals and slid two gold Tiffany bracelets over her right wrist. Then she rushed to the mirror, sprayed on Tommy Girl, applied enough makeup so she wouldn’t look sick and then got back to work on her hair.

There was a knock at the door. Joy stuck her head into the room. “Honey, you’ve got . . . Dakota! What are you doing out of bed? Doctor Epstein said you need to rest through the night.”

Dakota said, “I’m fine. Who’s down there?”

“Axl Rose. He said Elle called him. Which doesn’t surprise me, since she’s constantly doing stuff I never hear about till it’s too late. Can he come in?”

“Mom!” Dakota said incredulously, “it’s Axl Rose! What do you think?”

Axl comes-a-calling, bearing gifts and cheer

Joy stepped aside, and in walked Rose with a bouquet of red carnations and a box of French caramels.

“I remember you,” Dakota said, trying to sound coy.

“I remember you, too,” Rose said and laid his gifts on the bed. “A little birdie told me you were feeling under the weather.”

“Was it a crow?” said Elle, who had reappeared at the doorway next to her mother.

“No, it was you,” Rose said to Elle and winked at her.

“Oh, yeah,” Elle said.

“Well, we’re going to leave you two alone,” Joy said, shoving curious Elle out into the hall. “I’d like the door to stay open a foot or two.”

“No problem, thanks, Mom,” Dakota said.

Rose said, “You don’t have to worry, Ms. Fanning, Dakota’s very safe in my hands.”

When Joy and Elle were gone, Rose said, “So what the f*** happened to you?”

“It was horrible, you can’t even imagine! I was doing this signing at Blockbuster, and this girl came up and wanted me to sign her movie box, which I naturally figured was one of my movies.”

“Yeah, okay,” Rose said and sat on the bed, causing Dakota to nearly swoon, because no male, including her father, had ever sat on it.

“Yeah, so she thought I was Abigail Breslin. She said, ‘Sign it Abigail Breslin.’” Dakota shuddered. “Just remembering it makes me feel like I’ve got some kind of a filthy disease.”

Rose said, “Abigail Breslin. That stupid kid in that Sunshine movie?”

Dakota nodded.

“How could anybody think you were her? You’re cute and talkative and bright and smart, and a f***ing outstanding dresser.”

“Did you see me in my charcoal-gray Ralph Lauren blouse at First Star?”

“I think I missed that, but I’m sure it was fabulous.”

“It was,” Dakota said. “Do you think I’m a good actress, too, in addition to all that other stuff?”

“The best,” Rose said. “You already know what I think about Dreamer, and since we talked at Tower, I watched Man on Fire and Hide and Seek and War of the Worlds. You just kicked a**. That f***ing Breslin kid can’t touch you.”

“Did you know War of the Worlds is almost at two hundred and forty million U.S. gross?”

“Jesus Christ!”

“I know, that’s what I said. But I’m still so bummed about being mistaken for Abigail.”

“Come over here,” Rose said, patting the bed.

A first for Dakota

Flattered, Dakota went over and sat next to him. “Aside from David Morse, you’re the first guy who ever asked me to get on a bed with him, do you realize that?” Dakota said. “Only David didn’t exactly ask.”

“Ha ha, don’t start no s***,” Rose said. “Look, you got what every other damn kid in the world wants – you got mega talent, a charming personality, the most beautiful eyes I ever seen, a perfect body . . . for a fourteen-year-old, a ton of money for any-year-old, and a way of talking that just makes you want to listen all day. I don’t know why you care one way or the other what that stupid-a** kid at Blockbuster said.”

“I know, but if she could think I’m Abigail, how many other people might mix us up? Can you imagine what that could do to the box office for my films? To attendance on my fan sites? And worse – what if people thought she was me? Man, talk about millions of dollars in free publicity for her and a train-wreck for me.”

“She’s ugly, first of all,” Rose said. “Second of all, she can’t f***ing act. My god**** backup singers act better than her, and they’re all f***ing former street whores with like sixth-grade educations. Let me tell you a little story.”

Dakota stared up into Rose’s soft eyes. “Okay,” she said.

“When I was your age, everybody in my town f***ing hated my a**. I was this scrawny little kid with a smart mouth, and I got beat up all the time, and people made fun of me and all that s***. Well, I had only one thing going for me: I could sing. That plus I had this attitude I was developing that I didn’t give a f***ing s*** what anybody thought about me. So one day, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that no matter what, I would never buckle under criticism. I would be strong, and I would use every talent God gave me to be the motherf***ing best that I could be. God didn’t give me many talents, but the ones he gave me, I f***ing used to the max.”

“God gave you a bunch of talents. Why do you say that?”

“Okay,” Rose said and laughed a little. “He gave me a few. But he gave you a few, too. And he didn’t give Abigail Breslin jack-s***. She’s what we call in the rock world a phantom. That’s somebody who makes a big stir for awhile, but don’t have s*** to back it up, and ends up fading into obscurity. Like f***ing Nirvana and Poison and f***ing Journey.”

Quietly, Dakota said, “I’ve always had confidence issues. I know everybody thinks I’m this super-confident, powerful girl, but I doubt myself a lot. Maybe it’s because I’m not very sexy.”

“No, f*** sex,” Rose said. “Any chick can flaunt her body and act like a f***ing p****-tease. That don’t take any talent. You have everything you need. You have enough talent so that in five years, you could f***ing own Hollywood.”

“We’ve calculated it at three-point-five, but either way,” Dakota said.

“See? There you go. And I’ll tell you something else.” Rose withdrew a single red carnation from the bouquet and handed it to Dakota, whose face was turning as red as the flower. “If I was like however-many years younger, or if you were like however-many years older, I’d be all over you. I mean, I’d chase you till you caught me.”

Impulsively, Dakota bounced up and gave Rose a kiss on the cheek.

“Hey, what’s that for?” Rose said, blushing a little himself.

“It’s to say thanks for making me feel a million times better about being a great actress and a great human being.”

“That’s cool. And next time I come to visit, let’s make it a time when you’re not all f***ked up over something somebody else said. Let’s make it a time where I can come over here and maybe take you out to eat, and you can tell me all about your latest movie and I can tell you all about my latest album that’s taken fifteen f***ing years to produce. Where do you like to eat?”

“My favorite restaurants are Taco Bell, Del Taco and Panda Express,” Dakota said.

“Hey, those are my favorites, too! I guess we’ll have to make it three dates, then.”

Dakota snuggled up as close as she dared to Rose and laid her head on his tattooed shoulder. “I can’t believe this is happening to me. First I get all wasted because of being mis-identified, then the night ends with me getting three dates with Axl Rose. You know, I think my life really is perfect after all.”

“So do we have the Abigail Breslin thing straightened out?” Rose said.

“Abigail who?” Dakota said, giggling. “Oh, right, the little fat girl with ugly hair. Yeah, she’s gone. And I just stole her sunshine.”

DON’T MISS THE EXCITEMENT! READ PART II: “Abigail Breslin Enraged at Dakota & Elle Fanning“